Lost In Dreams

somewhere in the darkness,
a whisper.

I'm not brave enough to brave the world anymore.

a white flag of surrender,
tinted gray by the shadows.

I don't wanna have to take the pain anymore.

curled up in a closet, far from the rest
of the world, from the endless turmoil of
bitter lives concurring, from the relentless
rain of sunlight that mocks the starless souls below,
a little girl dreams.

dreams of petals dancing
dreams of grass swaying
dreams of laughter, pure and clear, startling

relucent dragonflies.

The world is big...

dragonfly wings,
scintillating in the darkness of her eyelids
as she closes her eyes.

There must be somewhere...

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Please, my friends, critique! I really need constructive criticism. Please, please, criticize this and give suggestions as much as possible. Don't post a comment if you don't have any constructive criticism to give. I need this perfect, or, if you think it's hopeless, I've got to write something else. So be honest, be cruel, tell me what you think, but obviously explain why you think so and be constructive - please. I've got to get this right.

Following a friends suggestion that I get away from HTML and start doing some real programming, I decided to pick up the copy of "Java for Dummies" that had been lying around my room and read it. And suddenly, I realized that my friend had given me good advice.

Java is far different from web programming in that it's object-oriented. What this means is that the entire language revolves around classes and objects. One can define these classes and objects and it's amazing how much one can do from there. If any of my friends have spare time on their hands and have not tried programming before, I have to recommend it to you. I installed JCreator, which allows you to write and run Java programs, and it is, in short, a bundle of fun.

I crashed JCreator twice today by writing programs that loop infinitely (accidentally, of course!). Stupid do...while statements...

I'll never have to do my math homework again!!!

Meanwhile, school starts September 8th for me. I'm a little intimidated since I haven't prepared much for it at all over the summer. Today I read through a chapter in a biology textbook I found in my house, hoping to preview the material. I'll be reading through that until school starts! Other than finding it slightly frightening, though, I'm also looking forward to high school. There just isn't much to do during the summer. I miss having a busy schedule.

Lately I've been entertaining myself by memorizing the Tao Te Ching, playing pokemon sapphire, writing poetry, listening to linkin park, and writing my autobiography. =D

Being very much inspired, I decided to express my feelings by writing a crown of sonnets, something that I've heard of before but that always seemed too intimidating to try. Basically, a sonnet corona consists of seven or fourteen sonnets, traditionally Petrarchan, with interlocking themes. Furthermore, the last line of each sonnet is the same as the first line of the next sonnet, and the first line of the first sonnet is the same as the last line of the last sonnet.

I decided to attempt it, and I finished the project in two days. My sonnet corona is titled 'goldfish corona' and consists of seven Italian sonnets written in iambic pentameter... since it's very long, I won't post it here. You can read it by following the link below:

goldfish corona - http://allpoetry.com/poem/5530843

Thanks everybody! Please tell me what you think. =D

I've always meant to return to this blog, and I must remark now that I regret greatly the past few months of inactivity. I've found that the longer my absence from this blog is, the harder it is to pick it up again. So finally, I'm back, and I intend to update this blog as often as possible from now on.

All that has happened in the past few months is too much to tell in a single blog entry, as each one deserves a blog entry of its own, but I shall do my best to give you a good summary. The school year ended for me on June 12th, and it ended very suddenly, so suddenly that it was devastating. I had just begun to be accepted (somewhat) in my school, and for the first time in a long time I acquired something of a positive social status, and suddenly I realized that there were a lot of people at my school who were really interesting, and deeper than they appeared, and who could make meaningful friends. The worst thing about that day was that I had to move into a new house, located in another school district entirely, so that I would probably never see any of those people again. And it may seem strange, but after you move, the people you miss the most are the ones who you never got to know. I don't miss my best friends as much because I haven't actually lost them: we keep in touch, talk, visit eachother. But the thought of others is unbearable - and the thought that if only I had more time, I could become friends with a lot of those people who used to hate me, and we might share a world, but that's only if I had more time.

So the end of the school year was devastating for me, and as a result I became very antisocial for about two weeks, hiding in closets and refusing to meet the neighbors (I still haven't met them! I fear it's too late now).

Next, on June 27th, my sister was born! (Yeah, a lot did happen.) This, again, was a huge change to go through, since I had been an only child for over 14 years. What will it be like to be free of my parents' relentless attention at last, I wonder? What will it be like to have a sister to love and take care of? It's exciting... and you know, perhaps I won't have to be lonely again.

The next day, I left for summer camp at CTY... which was amazing. The class I was taking there was Logic: Principles of Reasoning... I enjoyed it immensely and learned a lot in the short time that I was there. The best part about CTY was the sense of belonging that I felt while I was there. I didn't feel different, or at least not in a negative way, and no one treated me differently than everyone else, and I really did feel like I belonged there, with people just like me. It was too good to last...

The end came after I developed a sore throat and a cough, and had a fever for about three hours... the nurses there were concerned, and they quickly sent me to the ER to see if I had the flu or something... The test results came back negative for influenza and negative for strep throat, but they sent me home anyway. They called themselves precautious (which implies necessity) and I call them paranoid (which does not imply necessity). But really there's nothing I can do about it now.

But at the moment the whole event is weighing heavily on my emotions, and I am very dejected at the moment, trying not to sink into depression again. I keep trying to read my Logic textbook so that I won't forget everything I learned, but every time I look at it I start crying... because I miss CTY so much and a lot of friends there, and of course this all aches painfully, but I imagine I'll be fine in a week or two.

Meanwhile I am at home, and it does hurt so.

Ah. I haven't written a blog entry in so long... and I realized, suddenly, that I missed this place! So here's a heartfelt 'sorry' to all of my dear friends and followers of this blog...

I guess the reason for my absence was that I felt that there was nothing really to post. Nothing big really has happened in my life in the past few weeks. I've been going to school (perfect attendance so far!) and studying hard, and now our short spring break has begun and I've been lying at home relaxing... for the first time in nine weeks. We aren't planning to go anywhere suring spring break, so I have all five days to stay home and relax. I wanted to perhaps visit my best friends here, but one is going to Cape May and the other is going to Michigan (where he always goes, he tells me, because his relatives are there. My relatives are all in China... ). So I've just been staying home and relaxing.

Meanwhile, I took up a new hobby... drawing pictures on MS Paint. This is difficult to do, for I don't have a touchpad, but it's very much possible. I've finished a few 'paintings', but they're all on my other computer (my computer's name is Tess), and so I cannot yet show you... I will, though, soon.

I've gotten writer's block on my script for script frenzy... which is bad because I only have 16 pages and I'm really behind.

Well, my friends, that's all really... just a short update on me. I haven't been writing much poetry lately... and that brings me to share another blog I just started for my poetry, which dear treelhs has so kindly offered to sort and categorize (I wish her the best of luck with that). I've tried to sort my poetry myself, but it feels like an impossible and daunting task. The blog is here: envola.blog124.fc2.com and is called Love That Light, an old name for a journal of poetry I once kept, where I once inscribed, "Poems are light." I still hold to be true my basic belief about the world, the basic value by which I hope to live my life: not good and bad, for our consciences know nothing, not happiness and sorrow, though I could certainly do well as a hedonist, but as light and dark. Again, I inscribe: I want meaning! just as Hafiz, after his 4-day vigil, yelled, I want God!

For those who are also experiencing spring break right now: enjoy your holiday! To everyone else, smile always. Make true for yourself that fortune cookie fortune of mine which I like to share with everybody: You are busy, but you are happy.